To emotional health....

So tonight I met with a counselor. I've only told a few people so far I was going to be doing this. I knew going into this there would be some tears and some "issues" to deal with...in only seconds of walking into the room that was confirmed. There are plenty of things that will be said in there I may not even be able to share with even my closest friends sometimes but I felt the need to share some of what came pouring out as I walked out the door to my car and my drive home. So as I've lost 50 lbs of my physical weight this last year, it's time to sort through some emotional weight as well. And in my life long journey to also integrate my spiritual journey with everything I do (and my recent need to find a creative--as I can be--way to express that) here is a post that I could potentially want to delete but will be vunerable tonight...for whatever it's worth.

P.s. thanks to two dear friends that gave me a "deadline" for making the appointment on a rainy day drinking Starbucks...for the love of my "dysfunctional family" of four that have turned my world upside down this year!



“Do you know was a beautiful face you have?”

Those are the words she said as I sat down on the couch. Words that caught me off guard but filled me up. She was a conduit. The words were coming from a being that I needed to hear from the most. They are words I long to hear. Words that set the foundation for the rest of the hour. And somehow I think they are the words that have set the foundation for so much more to come.

Abandonment. Co-dependency. Perfectionist.

Those are words about other people. Words you hear on TV or bounced about in conversation about other family members, friends, co-workers, acquaintances. But tonight, much to my dismay but also my relief, they were words about me. As tears fell, my new counselor was putting in words and pictures what I needed to hear. The faults I had that were keeping me from what I want most. Do I even know what I want most? ...I am at loss for words and imagery but she was putting together some of the pieces. Tonight one corner was found. In hours to come, she’ll be my guide as other corners and pieces are put back together. And I could feel that there was someone else who saw the completed picture of who I was created to be. The someone else who was the surface I could dump out my box of mixed up pieces. And would be the one (and has been) to guide people and situations and myself as each piece was reconnected.

My family. My past. My friendships. Hurts, triumphs, burdens, joy and sorrow. All the things that create the lenses I look through. I wouldn’t call them rose-colored lenses. There is a lot of dirt on them now. Smudges, cracks and scratches. There is brilliance beyond it all but distracted by the cynicism, doubt, anger, and mourning I feel. Mourning for a relationship I haven’t even lost yet. And I think also mourning for a relationship I’ve tried so hard to lose. At the end of the hour, as they counselor prayed, my hand held gently in hers, the biggest relevation of all hit. I felt abandoned by God.

Yet I believe it was him saying “do you know what a beautiful face you have?”. It was God saying, “I’m still here. I didn’t go anywhere. I still love you. I’m am all around, and yes, mostly I’ve been in the unexpected places because that’s where you’re eyes are open.”

So in her gentle eyes and soothing voice, this will be a new place that I feel is like a church. Where I can come as I am. Lay out my worries and battle wounds. Let the tears fall (and snot as well!). And be embraced for who I have been, who I am. and who I am becoming. Where the cross is less about the ornamental “junk” like what has become of the years of history and problems humans have degraded it with, but a symbol of the most powerful love. Love that transcends rules, brokenness, pain--that heals, unifies and comforts. It’s the cross that we are told to pick up daily and follow. A love that is always there but I couldn’t see when I settled for far less that it is.