13 going on 30...

Last June started a new journey, a transformation of growing up. I've spent too many years feeling invisible or trying to be invisible. Not wanting to stand out, trying to blend into my surroundings. It was literally as if I was eternally 13. But last year I made a decision that my life had to change. It didn't start on a road of "growing up"--more of getting healthy. Looking back on this year, it feels like I finally made it through puberty...at the age of 30. All those years of feeling awkward in my own body, feeling like I had to hide who I really was--I've made it to the other side.

The most obvious change I've made is my physical appearance. But beyond the almost 50 pounds I've now lost, I have gained much more. I now find myself loving a good workout, pushing myself mentally and physically to my limits. I am strong and in shape, confident and sure of myself (most of the time). Food tastes different and instead of being an escape, it is now something to enjoy and experience. I know that my life will continue to evolve, go through ups and downs. But I look ahead with excitement of where I am going. Proud of where I am, and reflective of where I've been. I've overcome so many obstacles this year and am encouraged to keep pushing through. I never thought I'd be where I'm at today--couldn't have imagined where I am currently. And for the most part wouldn't trade (much) of my life thus far.

Another change I've noticed this year, mostly internal but I believe others have seen an external change as well--I feel alive! I'm not numb to what is going on around me. All senses are alert. Both pain and pleasure are very real. And in that reality, the pain I've experienced is more welcome--not for the actual acts or emotions but as a reminder that I'm human. My faults and mistakes (even others) are no longer assaults to who I am but opportunities for grace, redemption and reminders of how small we all really are. Even physical pain feels different now. Whether it's sore muscles from a workout, a burn from a hot iron or stove, or stubbing a toe walking through my place in the dark, the pain keeps me aware of who I am, of my surroundings. "For once I want to be the car crash...not always just the traffic jam" are words from a Snow Patrol song that jump out at me. And just as the pain is more tangible, moments of joy are brighter. I have more moments of child like fascination and playfulness that helps life feel more magical.

About two and a half years ago, my college pastor passed away at the age of 33. The morning he died, he was supposed to give a sermon based on the movie 'Garden State'. His wife typed up his notes soon after and the end of the sermon provided a great inspirational message. The words hang up in my living room and also on the visor of my car. I've been trying to figure out how the message really looks in my life. And now I think I've gotten it...so many days now I feel like I can live in the present. "Love God, Embrace Beauty, Live life to the fullest" is how Kyle would end Sundays. Working on all three but now at the age of 30 I think I'm grasping the living life to it's fullest (carpe Diem, take time to smell the flowers, being in the moment...).

"Live. And live well. Breathe. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and Feel the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun. If you run, allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE. Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time. If you bike, pedal HARD...and if you crash then crash well. Feel the Satisfaction of a job well done, a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed. If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year olds' nose, don't be disgusted if the Kleenex didn't catch it all...because soon he'll be wiping his own. If you've recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you're eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift." Kyle Lake Oct 2005