I wonder... (musings after another prop 8 forward)

What if we looked at people more instead of "issues"? What if building up other PEOPLE versus fighting for a cause were the priority? What if I looked at myself and accepted that I'm not perfect but also loved...and then saw that other people were also different yet still worthy of love?

I've kept pretty quiet with most people on my views on Prop 8. There are some I can openly discuss it with, others I have not bothered to discuss it with. I've deleted many emails from each side (although to be open, usually I've deleted or been irritated by more numerous emails preaching for a law that I believe shouldn't be a government issue in the first place). But it bothers me...And I've asked why I don't like to fight for my point of view. Part of it is my own journey in figuring out what church, culture, the Bible, others have to say about it. Certainly with friendships and family, I've changed some of my views I grew up believing. I don't always know if my views have changed for the "right" reasons. I don't have all the answers. And people on both sides of the argument will have plenty of reasons why I should make up my mind one way or another. But if anything, I want to see past the issue and see the person. This is not a discussion about my theology on the issue. This is a discussion and confession of how we (I) treat others. Why do people's differences become more than who they are?

Let's leave out whether you think a difference is a sin or not and just question ourselves (again myself too!) about why we let a detail, a personality difference, color of skin, disability, disagreement or other "differences" get in the way of valuing other individuals? And how does our need to fight for our opinion make us lose sight of what is important.

This weekend I sat at women's retreat crying as I heard so many women share about their heart...because despite the differences in circumstances the hurt was universal. And not just with women, I could see that humans are all hurting. We all want to be loved, valued and worth something. But we build walls to protect our worlds, make values and rules for ourselves that often cut off rather than build up community. Pretty soon our differences become something we hold against each other. Then that difference becomes an issue. And issue that we have to vote on. An issue that we've spent millions on to make a law or fight about. And on either side we've forgotten that this should always be a discussion about people. (Many people remember this, but there is still a large percentage that leave people out of the discussion and just talk about values or causes).

I wonder what we could accomplish if we could have used the money to help people--particularly in these times when we are in the midst of wars, financial crisis, world AIDS or poverty crisis--and those causes need to be thought of in terms of the people involved as well. Not fight on the issue. If we had spent all the time figuring out how to love others, care for them, see our brokenness in each person and "fight" for bringing people together. Okay, some are saying this sounds like crazy liberal talk. I can admit I tend to agree on some issues on a more liberal side. I'm also a Christian which brings in all kinds of assumptions from both the church and those outside of who I should be, how I should vote, what my beliefs are. But why should that cause people to shut off listening to who I am as a person and what I bring in to the conversation.

Both sides of this "issue" have missed the point. I've missed the point. The violence and hate that each side has cause (mostly by the extreme) had divided us. We point fingers and say "look what they did, look how they spread their message with hate, look how they're wrong, look how much better I am than them". What would it look like if we cared enough to peacefully have the discussion. To have a conversation that we can love people even when we don't agree. What if the church encouraged people to look at themselves first, both individually and collectively--honestly? What difference would it look like if those for Prop 8 spent more time first loving others for who they were then discussing their beliefs? what if those against prop 8 did the same? What if prop 8 didn't even have to be an issue because we were finding ways to invest our time in emails, arguments, money, time in seeing how we can be a community--sharing our meals, our time, our talents, investing in others. yes, I am more harsh with the church because we should know better. We should be setting the example of how to love others. The church should be following better examples, fighting for loving and caring for others.

I can already here in my head what others would say. The arguments could be endless. I can't change someones point of view and personally I have other things than one law I'd rather fight for. But when it comes down to it, I always want to be asking myself "what is more important?" At the end of my day, at the end of my life, I want others to know I loved them. Not that I had a certain point of view, fought for a cause or an issue. That I loved. And that I was loved.

To emotional health....

So tonight I met with a counselor. I've only told a few people so far I was going to be doing this. I knew going into this there would be some tears and some "issues" to deal with...in only seconds of walking into the room that was confirmed. There are plenty of things that will be said in there I may not even be able to share with even my closest friends sometimes but I felt the need to share some of what came pouring out as I walked out the door to my car and my drive home. So as I've lost 50 lbs of my physical weight this last year, it's time to sort through some emotional weight as well. And in my life long journey to also integrate my spiritual journey with everything I do (and my recent need to find a creative--as I can be--way to express that) here is a post that I could potentially want to delete but will be vunerable tonight...for whatever it's worth.

P.s. thanks to two dear friends that gave me a "deadline" for making the appointment on a rainy day drinking Starbucks...for the love of my "dysfunctional family" of four that have turned my world upside down this year!



“Do you know was a beautiful face you have?”

Those are the words she said as I sat down on the couch. Words that caught me off guard but filled me up. She was a conduit. The words were coming from a being that I needed to hear from the most. They are words I long to hear. Words that set the foundation for the rest of the hour. And somehow I think they are the words that have set the foundation for so much more to come.

Abandonment. Co-dependency. Perfectionist.

Those are words about other people. Words you hear on TV or bounced about in conversation about other family members, friends, co-workers, acquaintances. But tonight, much to my dismay but also my relief, they were words about me. As tears fell, my new counselor was putting in words and pictures what I needed to hear. The faults I had that were keeping me from what I want most. Do I even know what I want most? ...I am at loss for words and imagery but she was putting together some of the pieces. Tonight one corner was found. In hours to come, she’ll be my guide as other corners and pieces are put back together. And I could feel that there was someone else who saw the completed picture of who I was created to be. The someone else who was the surface I could dump out my box of mixed up pieces. And would be the one (and has been) to guide people and situations and myself as each piece was reconnected.

My family. My past. My friendships. Hurts, triumphs, burdens, joy and sorrow. All the things that create the lenses I look through. I wouldn’t call them rose-colored lenses. There is a lot of dirt on them now. Smudges, cracks and scratches. There is brilliance beyond it all but distracted by the cynicism, doubt, anger, and mourning I feel. Mourning for a relationship I haven’t even lost yet. And I think also mourning for a relationship I’ve tried so hard to lose. At the end of the hour, as they counselor prayed, my hand held gently in hers, the biggest relevation of all hit. I felt abandoned by God.

Yet I believe it was him saying “do you know what a beautiful face you have?”. It was God saying, “I’m still here. I didn’t go anywhere. I still love you. I’m am all around, and yes, mostly I’ve been in the unexpected places because that’s where you’re eyes are open.”

So in her gentle eyes and soothing voice, this will be a new place that I feel is like a church. Where I can come as I am. Lay out my worries and battle wounds. Let the tears fall (and snot as well!). And be embraced for who I have been, who I am. and who I am becoming. Where the cross is less about the ornamental “junk” like what has become of the years of history and problems humans have degraded it with, but a symbol of the most powerful love. Love that transcends rules, brokenness, pain--that heals, unifies and comforts. It’s the cross that we are told to pick up daily and follow. A love that is always there but I couldn’t see when I settled for far less that it is.

many thanks

So many days I am overwhelemed by what I would like to change. Or by the bad things...often seflishly...in my life. Or turning on the news, the recent election, the downturn in the economy, bad things that people do to each other. Moments I'm consumed by our fallen state, our huge departure from what life should be, our destructive ways. And in the midst of it...

Days of hope. Days of knowing that there is still good. Still things worth believing in. A rain coming into bring a clearer picture of what I still should fight for. Moments where I remember that depsite the bad and depressing there is still blessings. Despite the propensity humans have for unimaginable wrongs, there is still amazing capabilities for good, grace, mercy, and love. And discussion over coffee with a couple of friends was another reminder of the good that still keeps me hoping. Keeps my faith alive even when the world threatens to paralyze me.

So in a quite moment, with the rain falling outside, I can only smile. Thank God for the good in my life and trust He's bigger than me. Bigger than where we've gone in our lives. Bigger than disease, poverty, greed, hate, and the countless other things that humans do to push us farther away from a being that finds a way to love us. And He loves us enough to sometimes sit back and wait for us...so that we're not merely robots but have a choice. In my countless bad choices, in the rainfall I'm choosing today to have a moment of thanksgiving. To have a moment of hope that someday things will return to the way things should have always been. To have a moment to be filled up by a love that seems impossible.