repairs

There's a large chunk of the sound wall on highway 87 that's just hanging from the top. I am not sure how long it has been there but it always seems longer than it should. A tree had fallen down cracking a section off the top of the wall, hanging on, threatening to break off into the dirt below. The offending tree was removed some time ago but no repairs have been made thus far. Often my eyes don't recognize the gap. But now more than ever,this hole catches my attention and leaves me thinking about it for the rest of my short commute to work. Still functional, the wall remains standing and likely does the job it was designed to. It's just an ordinary sound barrier between the freeway and surrounding neighborhoods. But for some reason it frustrates me that it could be ignored for so long.

My thought turns to an old friendship that left a similar hole in my heart. It's been there far longer than I would like to admit. I still function in life. I have great relationships with my family and amazing friends. In so many ways the hurt, rejection, anger and sadness can be ignored day to day. But more and more I am seeing this part of me that threatens further intamcy with others. The distrust it caused. Just below the surface. I am starting to see the effects of how it jeapordizes deeper relationships with those already in my life and those yet to come.

Why has that hole remained on the sound barrier for so long?
Why do I hold on to this disappointment for so many years?

Recent conversations brought more attention to the effects this gap has left. It is now evident that my feelings must be addressed. Healing has to come. There will always be scars. Lessons that can be learned and taken with me in other relationships. But I can't allow this failed friendship to threaten my emotional health any longer. Repair must come.

Last week, a man stood on a ladder assessing the damage on the sound wall. Debris from the tree still is piled up below. But this is an encouragement. That in the future there will be a fix to this gap. It is not being ignored. There will likely be marks. And the repair won't happen overnight. But it is a small tangible reminder as I drive to work that like the wall, a repair will happen. The marks will remind me of words said--or not said--and forgivness can occur. Forgetting is not easily done. And sometimes forgetting is not what will work. I think this time it has to remain a part of me, just not controlling me.